Apples of life

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, 'What are those round things hanging there, daddy?'

Proudly, he replies, 'Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here.'

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, 'Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?'

How Dare You....

One day , at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.


Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.

She still could not reach the step.


Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.

Still, she couldn’t reach the step.


So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.


So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”

Confessing Adultery

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

Naughty Mind... High Expectations ...

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) You lack knowledge

(2) You have a dirty mind and

(3) Your Expectations are too high !!! (10 times ... ... Huh ... ... MY GOD !!! )

Advertising Body

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies..... ... "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...... .....!!!"

Sex with Older men

 When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'


George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'

Normal Life ...

A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.



She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.



She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"



He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

where do babies come

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his pe*is in the mommy’s va*ina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s pe*is in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

stutter?

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

SEX DISCUSSION

"Frenchman, an Italian and an Indian were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Indian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

wetting my fingers

A husband and wife are lying down on their bed. The husband is reading a book. The wife simply lies next to him. The husband pulls up his wife's nightie. Every five minutes, he touches her vagina and continues reading. The wife gets up and starts undressing.

The husband asks - " What are you doing ? "
The wife replies - " You kept touching between my legs. I thought you were in the mood and wanted sex. So, I am un-dressing ! "
The husband replies - " Don't be silly. I was simply wetting my fingers, to be able to turn the pages of this book ! "

Technique of Unlocking the Door

One night a man and his date were about to go into his apartment after a night on the town. Before he could open his door, his date put her hand on his arm, and said, "Wait a minute. Did you know that I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door?"

I'm not sure, replied her partner, "give me an example!"

The first way, she tells him, "is if a man shoves his key in the lock and opens the door hard! That means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. The second way," she continues, "is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole. That means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either! Which brings us to you,", she smiles. "How do you unlock your door?"

"Well", her friend replies, "Before I do anything else, I lick the lock FIRST."

Sneezing On the Airplane

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later,
the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when
the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to
the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently.
Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very
rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. " I have never heard of that condition
before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Best women 2 marry

couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.


6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.


6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.


4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

Japanese Lesson

An employee at a business firm gets to travel to Japan to meet executives from the company’s foreign branch. He’s single and is really excited to hook up with some beautiful Asians. He goes to the meeting and listens to a linguist who translates all their words for him. After the meeting he goes out and hooks up with a lovely young lady. Things go very well and he ends up going to her place that night.

They dim the lights and do the deed. The whole time she’s moaning and shouting: "Fuka ana!" She seems really into it so he goes all out giving it to her all night long.

The next day he goes to a golf game with the Japanese executives. He makes a very nice chip shot then decides he’s going to try to impress the executives. He shouts: "Fuka ana!"

The linguist then turns to him and says: "No that’s the right hole."

Family planning by aeroplanes

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York .



The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and Asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes Have baby planes???? '



The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight Attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't Planes have baby planes?'



The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.



Well, then, tell your mother that there is no baby because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you.

Misfit World

Two dwarfs pick up two prostitutes in a bar and take them
to their separate rooms in the hotel. *

The first dwarf, however, ran into the problem of getting erection.
While the friend of his in next room was shouting, “Here baby I come again, one, two and three, oh… oh..” and he kept hearing this all night long.



In the morning, the second dwarf opens the mouth first and asks his friend how did you do for all the money we paid these girls.



The first one cried and says, “Damn it is frustrating, I even could not raise mine. But I could feel you really enjoyed the night several times.”



The second dwarf said, “It is really embarrassing, but I could not even climb from the floor up on the bed.”

Bad boy

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous girl on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous girl? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the girl doesn't.

Erotic Confession

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."




The priest said: "Confess your sins and be forgiven."




The young woman said: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."




The priest thought long and hard and then said: "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."




The young woman asked: "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"




The priest said: "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

It's tight!

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".